When I was in college, I used to sit on the couch with one of my very best friends and we'd say very hilarious things about our bodies. We called it the Fat Kid series.  You know you're a fat kid when...

you just finished dinner and you immediately want a snack

you need to lay on the floor after you finish your meal

you finish the bowl of homemade whipped cream after you eat the brownie with cream on top

you've had pizza two nights in a row and when challenged with the question: what should we eat for dinner tonight?,  you order a pizza, of course.

I'm sure this is the type of thing that was funnier when you're there.  It was what we said to comfort ourselves after we did something we "shouldn't" have--something that you kinda secretly loved doing and kinda secretly were embarrassed by... like spending days on the couch watching soaps and eating junk food with your best friend.  It was a way of making that thing only fun.  Only good.  Of separating the embarrassed from the ebullient.

My partner in crime was so spot on with the fat kid series. We would be in tears, making fun of ourselves, eating, laughing, having such a good time together.   It was all on the table (as it were).  Bellies out.  Our self destruction was openly masked by our comedic take on self loathing.  We did it to ourselves and we did it to each other...which seemed to make it all okay.  I don't regret doing it and I would never take it back.  I remember those times as some of my most favorite of my college years.

[caption id="attachment_3596" align="aligncenter" width="450"] you know you're a fat kid when you visit your favorite bakery in San Francisco, eat there, and leave with a $40 bag of pastries... for the road.[/caption] [caption id="attachment_3595" align="aligncenter" width="450"] you know you're a fat kid when you have 50 pictures of the same favorite taco and fries from Charleston, SC.[/caption]

Fast forward to present day.  I am not feeling the best about my body these days.  This time last year, I was in the best shape of my life. I was working out regularly.  I was fitting into clothing I had never fit into before.  My face...MY FACE...just looked so lean, and it glowed a little.

A few months ago, that all changed.  The new shop , Little Boxes, and jewelry design/making sort of took first place in both Will's and my life.  We are finally finding making time to take care of ourselves.  And in making this time, I am realizing that I kind of left myself behind for the sake of everything else.

Instead of just doing something about it when I'm ready, I worry.  I open the drawer in the morning and worry about what I'm going to wear because I worry about how bad it's going to feel when I discover it doesn't fit anymore.  I worry that it's just going to keep getting worse.  So...Here we have Case#2 of THE WORRY PROJECT:

Case #2:  I've let myself go. My body is turning blubbery.

Solution:  Go workout. (in today's case, I will go to the gym and workout on the moonwalk machine. I'm embarrassed to say, I haven't been to the gym in over 2 months. I will report back here tomorrow and let you know if I actually did it).

I've been trying to revert to my old ways.  When I start worrying about it, I try to incorporate the Fat Kid back into my life, to make some humor out of the situation (instead of actually doing something about it).  But it's just not the same without college and it's especially not the same without Cam.  It only worked with her.  While the Fat Kid is so fun to be around, I think she's just a distraction from my worry, a certain kind of freedom, a disguise.

 

It's time to get on with the worry project and go with it!

I will stick with my word.  I will wait to worry.  I will sweat it out.  And then I will see if the Fat Kid is waiting for me when I walk out of the gym.

You know you're a fat kid when you can't stop talking about being fat kid. here's to leaving my Fat Kid behind!  xo~betsy

***Song of the Moment: To Forgive, by The Smashing Pumpkins***

5 thoughts on The Worry Project: fat kid.

sulu-design:

Funny… when I stopped by the shop yesterday, I considered bringing pastries for everyone (‘cause that’s what a fellow fat kid does, or at least thinks about doing). But I recalled recent conversations we’ve had about eating and I decided against it. I know all about weight fluctuations and getting into and out of rhythms, so I feel you. I do hope you cut yourself some slack – ditto to the comments above mine. Because I think it’s just as good for your head as your body when you work out, I hope you make time for yourself to do it. But I also hope you hold onto the inner fat kid – otherwise I’ll feel like an ass when you watch me eat an entire loaf of bread the next time I have you over for breakfast.

October 05 2016 at 09:10 PM

betsy:

Maba, I like that—-superfine. Yes! Thank you for your sweet words. Suz—-don’t worry, we already covered the pastry thing on Wednesday. Thank you for being so considerate! You seriously crack me up. And don’t worry, there will always be a little fat kid in me.

October 05 2016 at 09:10 PM

JB:

Give yourself some slack, Besty! You seem like the busiest person I know, you just opened an amazing shop!!! Two months of not being on the gym? Come on, I know people who haven’t worked out in years! Doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go to the gym today, but also notice everything you have accomplished in the last months, everybody would understand that you haven’t worked out so give yourself a little love too :) just a note from down the street…

October 05 2016 at 09:10 PM

betsy:

Oh, goodness! Thank you so much for your words, JB! so encouraging! You’re right…maybe I just need to cut myself some slack. I really appreciate the sweet note. so much!

October 05 2016 at 09:10 PM

maba:

You are not just fine…you are superfine!!! I would say with everything you have been doing…you HAVE been exercising! Since you are thinking about working out more, I’m sure you will get back in the routine that works for you.

October 05 2016 at 09:10 PM

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