The Worry Project: fat kid.
Posted on February 02, 2012
you just finished dinner and you immediately want a snack
you need to lay on the floor after you finish your meal
you finish the bowl of homemade whipped cream after you eat the brownie with cream on top
you've had pizza two nights in a row and when challenged with the question: what should we eat for dinner tonight?, you order a pizza, of course.
I'm sure this is the type of thing that was funnier when you're there. It was what we said to comfort ourselves after we did something we "shouldn't" have--something that you kinda secretly loved doing and kinda secretly were embarrassed by... like spending days on the couch watching soaps and eating junk food with your best friend. It was a way of making that thing only fun. Only good. Of separating the embarrassed from the ebullient.
My partner in crime was so spot on with the fat kid series. We would be in tears, making fun of ourselves, eating, laughing, having such a good time together. It was all on the table (as it were). Bellies out. Our self destruction was openly masked by our comedic take on self loathing. We did it to ourselves and we did it to each other...which seemed to make it all okay. I don't regret doing it and I would never take it back. I remember those times as some of my most favorite of my college years.
you know you're a fat kid when you visit your favorite bakery in San Francisco, eat there, and leave with a $40 bag of pastries... for the road. you know you're a fat kid when you have 50 pictures of the same favorite taco and fries from Charleston, SC.
Fast forward to present day. I am not feeling the best about my body these days. This time last year, I was in the best shape of my life. I was working out regularly. I was fitting into clothing I had never fit into before. My face...MY FACE...just looked so lean, and it glowed a little.
A few months ago, that all changed. The new shop , Little Boxes, and jewelry design/making sort of took first place in both Will's and my life. We are finally finding making time to take care of ourselves. And in making this time, I am realizing that I kind of left myself behind for the sake of everything else.
Instead of just doing something about it when I'm ready, I worry. I open the drawer in the morning and worry about what I'm going to wear because I worry about how bad it's going to feel when I discover it doesn't fit anymore. I worry that it's just going to keep getting worse. So...Here we have Case#2 of THE WORRY PROJECT:
Case #2: I've let myself go. My body is turning blubbery.
Solution: Go workout. (in today's case, I will go to the gym and workout on the moonwalk machine. I'm embarrassed to say, I haven't been to the gym in over 2 months. I will report back here tomorrow and let you know if I actually did it).
I've been trying to revert to my old ways. When I start worrying about it, I try to incorporate the Fat Kid back into my life, to make some humor out of the situation (instead of actually doing something about it). But it's just not the same without college and it's especially not the same without Cam. It only worked with her. While the Fat Kid is so fun to be around, I think she's just a distraction from my worry, a certain kind of freedom, a disguise.
It's time to get on with the worry project and go with it!
I will stick with my word. I will wait to worry. I will sweat it out. And then I will see if the Fat Kid is waiting for me when I walk out of the gym.
You know you're a fat kid when you can't stop talking about being fat kid. here's to leaving my Fat Kid behind! xo~betsy
***Song of the Moment: To Forgive, by The Smashing Pumpkins***